Day 4- Dancing

(I have to double-up today…I missed Day 4 yesterday…dange it.)

Dancing used to make me sweaty and happy at least four nights a week.

Dancing used to provide a much-needed release to what I thought were monumental woes, jam-packed into what truly was a worry-free life.

Dancing stopped when I became an emotionally, verbally abused wife and mother.

Among the ruins of my first marriage, dancing was dying too.

Somehow, my insides have always known how integral dancing is to my happiness.

Now the dancing I do is in my kitchen while four little ones bounce around me, giggling and more excited as the song plays on….

Now the dancing I do is in secret, in my bathroom when my outfit is especially cute and my lipstick is right.

Now the dancing I do is out of freedom and love, out of rebirth and redemption.

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jilly…

Jill Scott.

Whew. That’s a lot of soul. A lot of talent. A lot of me.

Yep. Jill Scott is my spirit animal if she were actually an animal. Lol. I have often said that maybe I was Jill Scott in a former life but yeah, that doesn’t quite work either.

How about how Jill and I are connected and she doesn’t even know it?

Everyone has their favorite musical acts, artists, emcees etc. But this love I have. Its different.

Its on some ‘Stan’ type shit.

It’s how whenever she releases new music, I cry. Literally. Every. Single. Time. Not only because its exactly what I need or want in my soul music, but that she’s on time. MY time. Which obviously happens to be her time as well. Does that sound cliche and somewhat lame for a 35 year old woman?

Tears of joy, tears of pain, shame, celebrations and really just making it and loving yourself and those around you along the way…

Perhaps.

This new album “Woman” (Available on Amazon-please PURCHASE your music if you love the artist) is made for me…but then again I said that about “Who is Jill Scott?” and every other album after that one….

She expresses that she finally feels as though she has become a woman.

Like for REAL.

Always somebody’s homegirl. Always feeling like a little girl in some regard. I feel her. She’s getting her body alkalined, digging in the dirt, raising her sun, eating well, loving herself and all the love around her. Apologizing for past mistakes. I can relate. Again. Timing. I feel as though I have just grown up really.

Yet and still, I feel young. Immature at times. Your homeboy’s homegirl. I love myself. I want to be a grown woman. There IS balance. That pendulum swing is authentic.

I feel beautiful

sound

prayerful

contemplative

occasionally remorseful

freed

willing

full

when I hear Jill’s words…they float from my ears to the core of my soul where they exclaim that they have met me before and knew they would find me here.

time.

How is it that I imagined I would have time to blog? I mean, I really thought this would be the best way to make sure I am writing my thoughts down daily pretty much.

Ok.

Not daily.

But damn near.

I have been plotting a blog post dedicated to Jill Scott and how her new album is out…I  think about writing about how my husband and I had our biggest blow out of the four years we have been together. I think about writing all the time.

Letting people go.

Poetry. I am really great at writing poetry that should be spoken aloud with lots of arm waving and eye brow arching.

Leaving. Blowing this joint. Gettin’ the hell outta dodge.

My children. Their safety. My ever growing anxiety.

School. My career. My goals. (See above: Leaving. Blowing this joint. Gettin’ the hell outta dodge.)

Music. Always, always music.

I’ve been watching Transparent. It’s incredibly human. I appreciate that.

I should blog about how I thought I would have time to write, which would in turn create this momentous release for me and yet, I just can’t find…

time.

day one…

As I grow older, I feel like I have this heightened awareness of true friendship. I gotta admit: I don’t have a ton of true friends (deleting all of my social media accounts helped with this revelation)…

This morning’s soundtrack for my commute was Skyzoo’s newest album, Music For My Friends (Click the link to purchase and support!)…Sky is one of my personal favorite emcee’s (hello brooklyn!) and he regularly speaks of his “day ones”…you know, the people that have been friends with him the longest…elementary school…since day one…

Having a “day one” kind of friendship is truly a gift…I have experienced this firsthand as my oldest friends and I have been together since we were 12. 23 years+ and counting….

Inevitably, the years change what friendship looks like….If I am most honest, this change didn’t ask my permission and it wasn’t welcomed.

The changes have created a wedge. The wedge gave way to a divide. Unspoken.

When does it become beneficial to “break up” with your day one? When is it ok to say this is toxic for me even though you are completely oblivious? I feel like the bad boyfriend who stays away and tries to do all sorts of things to get the girl to understand its over, but never has the balls to speak up for himself.

I keep questioning what’s right.

I keep questioning if I’m the asshole here.

My lifelong-day one- friend, has morphed into someone I just really don’t know anymore. Extremes. Things I would never deal with if it wasn’t for the 23+ years holding us together. I mean, she’s like family. She IS family. Is there EVER a time you turn your back on family? I would be ashamed to admit some of the things I have overlooked because I love her. We are bonded forever.

I love her.

I grieve for the friendship that I used to rely SO heavily on. Was it because we were kids? Early adulthood? Did I miss this one coming entirely?

Even when I find the nerve to tell her that her addictions, diagnosis’ and the life that has followed subsequently just are too much for me now, I will feel guilt.

That feels right though. To let go and break up.

I fear how much I don’t trust her word, her judgement, her love for herself. She is a brilliant woman lost in the shadows of what could have been.

I am trying to find my way out.

Day one friendships are a gift for certain.

It’s the change that’s gonna getcha.