Day 2- The Unrequited

Its startling when you realize you have been devoted without hope of that love being returned. Knowing from the very start that your heart would go unmatched, unclaimed. Realizing that regardless of how hard and deep your love runs, it can also be the tie that binds you up and keeps you from truly shaking free.

There has been shame in loving without warrant, without reciprocation. A provocative quest to change minds and shift intention. Stepping into the battle of unrequited love a warrior looking to conquer; only to walk away battered, bruised and reluctant.

These scars become sacred. These scars are revered. These scars give way to a transcendent yearning, a most perfect, willing love.  Indebted forever to those unrequited loves who taught me to first to love myself.

 

Day 1-Outside My Window

I used to write like my life depended on it…then life got in the way. At the encouragement of my husband, my mother and my boss, I have decided to get back in the swing of things and write everyday for a year. I have carved out 15 minutes a day to get started. It is my hope that I can stick to my plan and achieve my goal of simply writing again, and writing well. I have 365 writing prompts ready to go…if you follow along this journey with me I appreciate your feedback and inspiration along the way. -N

Outside my window life is moving as though the world is not crumbling.

Outside my window it’s easy to pretend. Pretending can change your perspective, they say. I have always been stubborn and believe my perspective doesn’t need any changing.

Outside my window the birds are chirping. One of my tiniest joys, the birds sing even while the world is crumbling. Birds are singing when bombs go off in Afghanistan and no one stands shouting in the name of love and peace. Birds are singing when young brown men are assassinated in the streets that raised them and called them their own.

Outside my window the sun is shining. Forever grateful for the wash of bright light and the clean feeling of hope that sunshine can give. There’s a lump in my throat even as I smile at the sun. I believe in healing. I believe in what cannot be seen.

Outside my window an American flag blows in the breeze. My insides churn as I wrestle with what I know America to be and what I wish it was…there aren’t enough of us to combat the America we know these days. There aren’t enough of us. There just isn’t enough.

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I fought for you…
I allowed my guard to leave its post..I stand unprotected.
Yet, I am willing to lay down my arms for you…my scars obvious,
Evidence in the tears that soak your shirt..I feel at home here…
listening to your heart beat, praying it spoke my name,
constant, repeating, repeating, repeating a rhythm only I can hear.
I am listening, anxious and forgiven…
apologies for standing in the rain when its you that has called me to shelter.
My mouth pursed to scream out how sorry I am for falling against the weight of this easy love.
No, no, no apologies, nirvana…
I am most alive against your skin.
I can breathe when you share your breath with me..I can taste the life that escapes your lips,
sweet indica and promises of days ahead to get me through this moment right now…
I struggle to feel worthy though I am begging you to keep from going numb to this…
Faded, this pain in my chest seems to swallow me on most occasions.
Sitting at the edge of the bed, seemingly worlds away…
merely praying for that hands that tie my thoughts to let me go, loosen the grip…
let me get lost in a place unseen until your eyes invited me in…don’t remind me how fragile, how temporary-
this all could be- the last love I ever know, a matter of perspective and I am unable to change the view-after all, I fought for you….

This Night

On this night, I rolled over waiting for the brown warmth of your skin to touch mine

like a secret mission I couldn’t tell you I needed you closer,but I moved in

making my way towards the place that feels most like home.

I feel this way most nights when you’re on your side and I’m on mine

don’t get me wrong I love my space

but I prefer you in it,

prefer you spend it making my body sing sweet and wet.

You know the language only my body speaks and when my mouth can’t find the words,

you finish my sentence, my thoughts.

Turn to this life we live and how I dreamed of it long before…

how it now feels over and just beginning all at once…

how the feeling of wholeness has absorbed all traces of the scraps left behind by those who were never worthy in the first place,

in the first moment when they were even considered…

this wholeness has been delivered by the warmth of your brown skin and protected by the sticky bliss that I lick from my lips after they have met yours.

It’s over….

I no longer have to wait, you have arrived and when it feels as tho the absence of anticipation might drag me down I realize my path has gotten wider,

enough room for you to walk beside me, tapering in short distances where you’ve carried me already…

my path has become much more than a way to my last days but a way to my last daze having spent it soaked in a love that couldn’t be topped by anything less than a spiritual exchange, a love resting gently in the stars, having waited to be plucked at that perfect moment-

my sky, my universe came to earth, manifested as man, my man…you hold my hand, I can’t seem to let you go, fading into you, into the moon….I’ll follow you….

Today, he’s 23….

Brother of mine. 23. My big Little brother. I carried him everywhere. I wanted him for myself.

I still do. Connected. Surpassing the ways of tradition. Innate. He feels truly like a part of me. A jointed beginning. He came and I remember now. “We have a boy!” I can see my step-dad coming down the hall. I have a lump in my throat from all that damn love.

That boy. Man.

I hope for days that are longer with him.

Wishes for the happiest days of all. Ahead.

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