day one…

As I grow older, I feel like I have this heightened awareness of true friendship. I gotta admit: I don’t have a ton of true friends (deleting all of my social media accounts helped with this revelation)…

This morning’s soundtrack for my commute was Skyzoo’s newest album, Music For My Friends (Click the link to purchase and support!)…Sky is one of my personal favorite emcee’s (hello brooklyn!) and he regularly speaks of his “day ones”…you know, the people that have been friends with him the longest…elementary school…since day one…

Having a “day one” kind of friendship is truly a gift…I have experienced this firsthand as my oldest friends and I have been together since we were 12. 23 years+ and counting….

Inevitably, the years change what friendship looks like….If I am most honest, this change didn’t ask my permission and it wasn’t welcomed.

The changes have created a wedge. The wedge gave way to a divide. Unspoken.

When does it become beneficial to “break up” with your day one? When is it ok to say this is toxic for me even though you are completely oblivious? I feel like the bad boyfriend who stays away and tries to do all sorts of things to get the girl to understand its over, but never has the balls to speak up for himself.

I keep questioning what’s right.

I keep questioning if I’m the asshole here.

My lifelong-day one- friend, has morphed into someone I just really don’t know anymore. Extremes. Things I would never deal with if it wasn’t for the 23+ years holding us together. I mean, she’s like family. She IS family. Is there EVER a time you turn your back on family? I would be ashamed to admit some of the things I have overlooked because I love her. We are bonded forever.

I love her.

I grieve for the friendship that I used to rely SO heavily on. Was it because we were kids? Early adulthood? Did I miss this one coming entirely?

Even when I find the nerve to tell her that her addictions, diagnosis’ and the life that has followed subsequently just are too much for me now, I will feel guilt.

That feels right though. To let go and break up.

I fear how much I don’t trust her word, her judgement, her love for herself. She is a brilliant woman lost in the shadows of what could have been.

I am trying to find my way out.

Day one friendships are a gift for certain.

It’s the change that’s gonna getcha.