time.

How is it that I imagined I would have time to blog? I mean, I really thought this would be the best way to make sure I am writing my thoughts down daily pretty much.

Ok.

Not daily.

But damn near.

I have been plotting a blog post dedicated to Jill Scott and how her new album is out…I  think about writing about how my husband and I had our biggest blow out of the four years we have been together. I think about writing all the time.

Letting people go.

Poetry. I am really great at writing poetry that should be spoken aloud with lots of arm waving and eye brow arching.

Leaving. Blowing this joint. Gettin’ the hell outta dodge.

My children. Their safety. My ever growing anxiety.

School. My career. My goals. (See above: Leaving. Blowing this joint. Gettin’ the hell outta dodge.)

Music. Always, always music.

I’ve been watching Transparent. It’s incredibly human. I appreciate that.

I should blog about how I thought I would have time to write, which would in turn create this momentous release for me and yet, I just can’t find…

time.

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gosh, i miss him. day one.

One of my most beloved friends passed away unexpectedly two years ago this past May…

Our contact wasn’t constant. Our energies perpetual.

A different sort of day one.

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day one…

As I grow older, I feel like I have this heightened awareness of true friendship. I gotta admit: I don’t have a ton of true friends (deleting all of my social media accounts helped with this revelation)…

This morning’s soundtrack for my commute was Skyzoo’s newest album, Music For My Friends (Click the link to purchase and support!)…Sky is one of my personal favorite emcee’s (hello brooklyn!) and he regularly speaks of his “day ones”…you know, the people that have been friends with him the longest…elementary school…since day one…

Having a “day one” kind of friendship is truly a gift…I have experienced this firsthand as my oldest friends and I have been together since we were 12. 23 years+ and counting….

Inevitably, the years change what friendship looks like….If I am most honest, this change didn’t ask my permission and it wasn’t welcomed.

The changes have created a wedge. The wedge gave way to a divide. Unspoken.

When does it become beneficial to “break up” with your day one? When is it ok to say this is toxic for me even though you are completely oblivious? I feel like the bad boyfriend who stays away and tries to do all sorts of things to get the girl to understand its over, but never has the balls to speak up for himself.

I keep questioning what’s right.

I keep questioning if I’m the asshole here.

My lifelong-day one- friend, has morphed into someone I just really don’t know anymore. Extremes. Things I would never deal with if it wasn’t for the 23+ years holding us together. I mean, she’s like family. She IS family. Is there EVER a time you turn your back on family? I would be ashamed to admit some of the things I have overlooked because I love her. We are bonded forever.

I love her.

I grieve for the friendship that I used to rely SO heavily on. Was it because we were kids? Early adulthood? Did I miss this one coming entirely?

Even when I find the nerve to tell her that her addictions, diagnosis’ and the life that has followed subsequently just are too much for me now, I will feel guilt.

That feels right though. To let go and break up.

I fear how much I don’t trust her word, her judgement, her love for herself. She is a brilliant woman lost in the shadows of what could have been.

I am trying to find my way out.

Day one friendships are a gift for certain.

It’s the change that’s gonna getcha.

reBirth:

rebirth

[ree-burth, ree-burth]
noun

1.

a new or second birth :

the rebirth of the soul.

2.

a renewed existence, activity, or growth; renaissance or revival:

the rebirth of conservatism.

I have always been a writer. In my mind. Occasionally pen finds paper and a few twenty pages in a pretty ill journal…smells familiar. Empty pages though.

I suppose we will see how this goes. A little bit of everything. No “I’m a music junkie mom of 4” bio-tagline-niki-keepin’-it-100-hiphop-forever-birdwatchin-buddhist-wannabe blah, blah, blah…I’m laughing now. Yes, a little bit of everything but mostly nothing…a gemini…with intentions on lightravel…travelight

travelight, gemini.

I make grammatical error.

I fly from one subject to the next

feeling

thought process

my thought process (G.O.O.D.I.E.)

cell therapy and attempts at fuller pages

lighter travel.

I guess we could make this “revival” all poetic or whatever, and call it a return or even a rebirth. Because here I am a mother, a full time professional, a full time student, a full time thinker and worrier, flitting from one thought to another, attempting a blog. I feel called to write more often. I prefer to write with a really good pen or pencil. I think I have a better shot going digital. I am not sure who will find this blog or who I will share it with. I can promise only myself for now. Constant musical connotations and references, sex, race, money, superficial politics, actin’ like I know, old thoughts, new beliefs, is what first comes to mind. I write for healing perhaps. Or maybe to fulfill this sudden desire to make sure I am seen as more than all of that regular ish. What IS that?! I’m still too scared. Pretty funny as I grow older to become a little more withdrawn but in a happier, introspective way. I’m probably gonna spout some pretty contrived “universe, karma…I am trying to reap goodness and grow everyday” hilariousness. Ahh well. Trying to stay ahead of what’s heavy. Unload.

I’m gonna change my mind. I need it to be easy.

lightwork